Dedication to My Mom and Dad

Here I am sitting right here in front of my laptop and suddenly feeling so sad. Feeling of loss and sadness just dawn on me, hard. Crying my heart out finally. Blame it on the dusun songs which I had just started listening to since few minuetes ago. I guess because, me and my dad started speaking dusun to each other since we brought him for a visit to stay with us for a year here in Oregon. Now it's just a memory.

I feel bad that I cannot go back home and be wtih my siblings in time of our loss, but at the same time I knew somehow there're really no right or wrong choice, its just a choice I had to make after weighing both choices, I realized I can't stay away from my kids that long, especially ocean away. I don't think it's good for them to be taken out of school for such a lenght of time either. I guess, this is part of the package, when one live abroad and more so if one have a family of her own to consider.

For the past few days, I kept myself occupied and also trying not to get online too much or do anything that would indicate I am having fun or what, cos its just inappropriate I thought, while my siblings and other members of the family are grieving and mourning back home.

I tried to recollect memories of my dad, but he is just so fresh in my mind in his old self, and alive and waiting for me and family to go back home in the summer to come. Of course, I knew he won't be there... its just that, I can't visualize him passing, yet. I know, it will only dawn on me when I go back kampung and realized he is not there to greet us as usual.

The only thing I can do is lit candles continually along with reciting the rosary for him everynight especially while his body is still at home, soon after the kids and hubby retire to sleep. Hoping that it will help brighten up the path for him into the spiritual world and for his salvation hence to assume his soul into the kingdom of the Lord.

This is not the first time that I have gone through this sadness. My mom died when I was just six months in the United States and I had to rushed home. I don't have kids yet at that time. And I recalled the sorrowful journey of going home to sadness and to loss, to be with my siblings and grieve and mourn with them, going home to confront a loss of a parent, its hard. Along the way.. the only thing that keep me sane is faith in God, knowing that they have gone home to the Lord. That they are free of their pain and sickness.

May my father Damian Pinol bin Mojiol Domuli rest in Peace and be side by side with my mother Clara Benjinin Binti Michael Sitaun in Heaven.

Amen.

~Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.~ -John Muir-